Vulnerable

The word vulnerable has been running around in my head for several weeks. I haven't been able to write because of some traveling I have done on the weekends. One weekend I went to Chicago to pick my children up from the airport, got home at 3 am and turned around and went back to a Chicago suburb to spend 24 hours with a couple that I had not seen in 13 or 14 years. A much needed time together...

The next weekend I thought that I had nothing planned, and then my son told me someone had given him tickets to the Liverpool game in Nashville. Since he is in Memphis it was only a 3 hour drive for him. He asked several people if they wanted to go and no on could. Spur of the moment decision, I decided to go. He and I were talking at 10 AM and by 10:30 I was in the car. I missed the first 5 minutes of the game, but it was a great evening with my son. A much needed time together. Bonus was that I got to see my best friend the next morning and those couple of hours we also needed together.

Both weekends left me feeling very vulnerable. The weeks in between had been filled with some hard conversations that were very needed, but draining. They involved needing to share about things that I am finally healing from. I believe I am finally at a place where tears still fall, but not from anger or hostility and questions of "Why does it have to be this way?" to tears of simply emotionally being tired, at t times I am just lonely, and at times I am sad because I think of the "what ifs.."

This past week I was privileged to attend a Global Leadership Summit through work. I had to miss the first two meetings due to a meeting that was valuable to attend, but several of the rest of them caught my attention. One of them I was able to hear had some great thoughts on the word "certainty." Kelly Merryman Hoogstraten is the CEO of Wonder Project, but gained her senior leadership experience at Netflix and YouTube. She started by asking "How many of you have put off making a decision? Then went on to say that many do it because of needing, "one more piece of certainty." Most decisions, however, will come before you are ready and certain. She also said that, "Certainty is largely an illusion." Her main thought she wanted to leave with us was, "What if certainty was never the goal, but TRUST is?"

As Christians we are supposed to TRUST God enough to show us the path. We keep wanting, "one more sign." I'll put out, "one more fleece." Rarely do we have the "simple" TRUST to just make the decision and go... Most of us would not have the FAITH of Abraham to leave and walk to a new land. Most of us would not have the FAITH of Mary to say yes to the request God brought to her. Most of us would want the "certainty" that we really heard from God to do this thing He is asking us to do...

I say all of this because I find myself in this vulnerable place again... A place where I am learning to TRUST God in different and new ways. My children are "grown" and learning to fly. I am learning when to speak and when not to speak. Changes with where they will live, who they are with... Changes at work with leadership... Life is definitely full of choices and decisions of, "what is next?" How to not worry and let go... I am learning that certainty will not happen. Life will always leave me with questions.

These moments mean I need to find time to rest... and yesterday (Shabbat) it was so nice to make that happen. The girls were gone. The house was mine (and the cats). I enjoyed doing some laundry and vacuuming cleaning the carpet. Some might say, but that is work... maybe, but it isn't my daily work what I do for.a living anymore. I used to do those things every day and by Shabbat I wanted to be done. Now, I enjoy them. I put music on, or a podcast, and simply get it done. I feel so much better when the task is completed. And - I took time to sit in the hammock in the back yard and I worked on the puzzle my daughter and I are doing. REST - we need it. Our bodies must have it. And not just at night when we sleep... There is a reason God created a day to REST.

As the days get more and more uncertain, we need to TRUST God enough and have FAITH that He is designing a path that is created just for us. It is keeping it simple and talking to God and letting Him know our fears, but at the end, like David always did, find a way to sing His praise and give Him the worship He deserves. He has ALWAYS taken care of His children. Be vulnerable with the Creator who LOVES you. Give Him everything that you don't understand.

And when you have been vulnerable, I know you will find a way to say,

"ADONAI, open up my lips, that my mouth may declare Your praise." When you are able to do that freely, you will be able to fly.

Love and blessings,

Rose