Uncertainty

This week has been a long week... I was privileged to be a part of some management training at work called "Crucial Conversations." I admit I was dreading it. I had read the book as part of a book study and I grasped the concept and yet... I hate public speaking and I hate being vulnerable. I did both this week. And, for the most part I enjoyed it. It was something that needed to be done. It was exhausting... And it seems to have left me in a state of uncertainty.

That being said, Friday I ended up having a melt down. Everything caught up with me. I came home and cried. I came home and journaled. I came home and simply sat in my pity. Not the most pleasant of moments.

And, to be completely honest - I'm still in the middle of it! My brain won't turn off. My mind won't stop spinning. Angry at myself for choices I have made. Angry at my inability to regain control over my thoughts. Angry at myself for not being able to stop the triggers that still jump in and cause me to sabotage myself. Angry at the uncertainty that life has thrown my way again.

So, waking up this morning with my mind once again spinning thanks to grabbing my phone and seeing a post about how women manipulate through emotions and create chaos through emotions, guilt trip and dominate with silence - knowing I have done and continue to do all of them... yea, not a great way to start the day for someone who is already angry at herself for stupid choices! Literally why everything in me knows NOT to get on my phone first thing in the morning, and yet I do it.

I walked out to get my cup of coffee and saw the sign on my piano and stopped:

SING like no one is listening

DANCE like no one is watching

LOVE like you've never been hurt

A friend and I were talking this week and she reminded me of the seasons of life in Ecclesiastes 3:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

Today I am trying to put these thoughts into actions. I played piano and I sang - because no one was home and I could sing like no one was listening.

Maybe I will find a way to dance like no one is watching...

I definitely want to learn to love like I have never been hurt.

I will admit - that is a hard one. I have been hurt. I have put up walls. I walk in uncertainty. I walk in lack of trust. I walk in not knowing what I need and want. It seems to be the story of life my right and I don't like it. Redefining ME is not easy. There are days I want someone to take it all away and days I don't want anyone near. My mind is confuddled. Yes, I made that up.

Friends - life is uncertain. We don't know what will be thrown our way. In the midst of that uncertainty, I KNOW WHO is with me. He has never failed me. He has never left me. Without that confidence I don't know where I would be. The words from Ecclesiastes are my reminder that life ebbs and flows. That they truly are seasons for everything. Life might look a little blurry, but HE is with me and will walk beside me all the way.

May today be a day filled with understanding in the midst of the uncertainty. May it be a day that we all find a way to LOVE like we have never been hurt.

Love and blessings -

Rose