Follow Up

Thank you for all the encouraging messages and prayers in response to last week's post. I felt the need to do a quick follow up this week and then I will return to writing as the Spirit lays things on my heart.

The after effects of "going public" is exhausting. I have no idea if my ex read what I posted or not. I don't know if he has access to the blog. I do know that it will most likely anger him if he does. My prayer is that he does not take it out on the children if he has seen it.

My prayer always is that he will understand what he did and find a way to repent, but I will not hold this as a "must be done or I will stay angry" mentality. I will be honest, forgiveness is ongoing. Triggers happen and then I have to stop and forgive again instead of carrying the anger. Forgiveness does not mean I will let him back in my life. Until you have been in the scenario or situation, please do not judge or try to say what to do. Everyone I know who has faced this has a lot to process. Most carry guilt for what happened.

Many of you know who I was married too. I did not write the blog last week for anyone to feel the need to reach out to him. Obviously anyone can do as they are led to do by the Spirit and yet, sometimes that can stir the pot more. What was written was done to bring clarity to an area that the Christian church is currently struggling in. It was not to point fingers at my ex and make people turn against him. It was simply too bring to light what people struggle with and no one knows because such a blind eye is turned to the emotional abuse side of domestic violence. People, especially women, are afraid to talk about what happens behind closed doors and when there is not physical evidence showing the abuse, they are often not believed.

Writing what I did was not to make anyone feel sorry for me. Again, it was to help others understand that we need to keep our eyes open and have a willingness to listen. Don't just assume that everything is okay... if your gut is telling you something is wrong, find a way to approach and ask. Observe and be there. Build the trust the person might need.

Trust is not easy for victims. This is something I will struggle with and constantly have to sort in my head. Opening up to new people, especially those in the church, is not easy. I sometimes feel like I am being mean or harsh when I just cannot do something because it triggers me. I don't like feeling that way. And yet... as one of my children mentioned to me, we all have a form of PTSD because of what happened. (I am NOT comparing this to a PTSD that veterans experience. Trust me, I know that is real.) What we faced does cause us to have moments that make us shut down at times. Victims will face this... something to watch for.

Having been told, "This is what God wants us to do" makes knowing what to do a struggle at times. Hearing Christians says, "God wants this to happen" is actually a trigger for me. I want to know and hear from Him myself, because someday I will stand before Him myself. I am responsible for what happens in my life and when I am wrong I will be held accountable. Believing that I "heard from God" to get married also makes knowing what is next a challenge because well... obviously I am going to question myself on whether I heard correctly or not the first time. Knowing if I am hearing correctly again... all I can do is pray for His peace to be my guide.

The Scriptures are filled with people who struggle just like I do. I am thankful for the Promises in the Word that are true. They do get me through each day and each trial. I KNOW that God is always with me and LOVES me. Psalm 119:105 Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light to my path. I trust HIM to lead and guide me. It may be a curvy path and not well lit at times, but He will be with me.

Again - thank you for your prayers and support. If it sounds like I am too independent, maybe I am. I have my close group of friends I rely on. Someday, maybe, I will find someone else I can trust enough to share life's treasures and challenges with. I have no idea where God is going to take me next. Thankful He knows best and will take care of me and provide all I have need of.

Love and blessings,

Rose